First Christmas Away From Home

          This year is the first Christmas that I have ever been apart from my family. As the dorm where I am living has emptied out and people have been going home, it has been really hard. I let myself think of all I will be missing and allowed myself to become extremely homesick. Thursday and Friday were spent overeating white chocolate and feeling sorry for myself. However, you do not need to worry too much. Friday night I skyped my good friend Lisle. We have been reading The Bridge on the Drina, a nobel prize winning book by Ivo Andric which takes place in Bosnia. Friday was our second out of three book discussions on it. It is a really good book and Lisle and I have had wonderful discussion on it! It feels so good to be doing something a little more academic and of course, skyping with a good friend can always cheer me up.
         The other thing that cheered me up was more planning for my upcoming trip. Even as I want to be home for Christmas, I am probably more excited for what is actually going to happen. My cousin Cara is flying into Zagreb on Tuesday! Cara is a year older than me and we have always been close. But I still cannot believe that she is actually missing Christmas at home to come be with me! And we have an epic adventure planned! First, once she arrives in Zagreb (I am taking a bus there on Tuesday morning), we will travel by bus together down to Split. We will then spend 3 days exploring Split and neighboring towns and islands. My friend Miriam from Sarajevo will also be joining us a couple of days. Then, we will head back to Zagreb for two days. On the 30th, we will take a bus to Vienna, Austria where we will spend New Years. On New Years Ever, we will be running a 5.4 km race, then enjoying the New Years Eve Walk which includes a huge market and waltzing! On January 2, we will head over to Budapest, hungary for the last leg of journey. Cara will then fly home from Budapest on January 5 and I will head back to Osijek.
          So really, not a bad way to spend Christmas at all. And yesterday turned out to be a nice quiet day here in Osijek. I went for a long jog, then had a delicious lunch spent talking to my friend Debora, a long walk in the sunshine to two grocery stores to get snacks for my upcoming trip and a stroll by the Drava, and then an almost three hour skype call with my friend Amy and a two hour skype call with my mom. Both of which felt like I was just hanging out and not so far away. Today, I slept in and have plans of packing and cleaning and going the the church's Christmas program. And then it is only one more day before my next adventure begins!

Different Version of Myself Part 2

          A few months ago I wrote a post about my fear of not being able to be the person I want to be- the person I was at EMU (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2013/08/becoming-different-version-of-myself.html). And in many ways, this fear is a reality… I am not the person I was. I don’t believe people here know the complex person I am, but strangely, I have become comfortable this. People might not know a lot know the real me, but I have become okay with this.
           So you might be wondering, who am I here in Croatia? First, I would say I am quiet…quiet and shy. At EMU, I was so full of confidence and as a Senior in several leadership positions, I would talk to anyone. But it took me three years to obtain that confidence. Here, I am not in any sort of leadership role and I am not top dog. Instead, I am by myself in a place where I do not know what is expected culturally or socially, I don’t speak the central language, and no one knows my background. I find myself intimidated in social situations and thus flee to my room.
           And it is here in my room that I sit now. Because in my room, I feel safe. In my room, I can still be the person I think I am. Here, I spend my days (when not at work or otherwise engaged) studying Croatian, writing and skyping friends and family back home, researching peace initiatives in this country, reading books just for fun, and more. I feel like I am Cinderella from the 1997 Whitney Houston version where Brandy sings about “her own little corner,” the chair in the corner where Cinderella is able to pretend to be whoever she wants. In my room, I am I can be who I want to be. Especially when I write or skype my loved ones back home, I feel like myself. Knowing that there are so many people out there who know the real me, makes me feel okay that people here don't.
          I don't want you to get the impression that I never leave my room or I never talk to people because that is not true either. During my work in the library, I talk with the other volunteers (mostly in English, but sometimes I also practice my Croatian). Like I have mentioned before, I feel comfortable in the library. I have a job to do and I do it well. And I am friends with the people I work with and even joke around with them. On Friday, was the seminary's Christmas party and I became part of the decoration committee and spent the two evenings before (and part of my work time in the library), helping prepare for the event. People commented on my artistic ability, which felt really good. It was really fun helping prepare and feeling a part of things.
          Saturday night, I was invited to help make and eat crepes (referred to as pancakes here). The evening eventually morphed into a small dance party and a movie night. It was really fun, but in this type of situation, I find it the hardest to be myself because people were mostly speaking Croatian. I can understand eating and dancing, but I cannot yet follow conversation. So even though I am so glad I was included and I really did enjoy the night, I could not help but feel left out and not myself. This is no one's fault and is part of living in a foreign country.
          And so I try to have a balance. I try to be social and talk to people and let people get to know me. But I also give myself grace when I fail at being outgoing. It takes a lot of time for me to become comfortable and I have only been here two months. I also allow myself to escape to my room so I can feel free to be myself. I can write and skype back home to be energized to leave my room once more and discover more that Croatia has to offer. I am no longer desperately homesick and I rarely have really bad days. I have become content with where I am at, even if I am not completely satisfied with who I am outside my bedroom door. 

A different type of Thanksgiving

          I arrived back in Osijek yesterday afternoon from my week of traveling. Honestly, I was not happy to be back. I had such a good time exploring new places and reconnecting with old friends that I had no desire to come back to my life here. However, today has been a great day. I was welcomed back to the library with a hug from Joška, the oldest volunteer in the library. He had told me before I left that I was not allowed to get married when I was gone because I was needed in the library. Although he was joking, I could tell that he was happy today that I was back. Joška actually just received an award tonight for his great volunteer work in the library. I joined a vanfull of people form the seminary to go to the old city where there was a special ceremony on International Volunteer Day for Joška and others receiving awards. As I celebrated with him, I realized that although I am not completely comfortable or happy here in Osijek, I have found a place where I belong. And driving through the city on the way home tonight, I realized that the streets and buildings are familiar here. Slowly, Osjiek is becoming my home.
          A week ago I boarded a bus at 10:30 pm, which drove through the nights with many stops, before finally reaching Split around 10:15 am. The last three hours of the trip, although were really slow with a million stops, was absolutely breathtaking as it went along the coast. I was finally able to see the Adriatic sea, islands, and coastline for which Croatia is so famous. It really is as great as everyone has told me and I would strongly encourage everyone to go and see it! After leaving my backpack in a locker, I took off to explore the city. I was blown away by the old city with all the winding paths and darling buildings. I walked along the sea then hiked to the top of this hill overlooking the entire city. I ate a Thanksgiving dinner of an ice cream cone, while sitting under a palm tree. By the time I met Julianne, the BVSer living in Split, in the early afternoon, I was worn out from walking and the long night on the bus. Although Julianne had to work, I enjoyed staying in her apartment and being able to video skype my family (YAY for working internet!)
          Friday morning, Julianne and I took a 10:55 bus to Mostar. This was a four hour bus ride, but the first two hours were once again along the coast. As we headed into Bosnia, I was able to observe the countryside there. I was surprised at how much the mountains and even houses reminded me of Iraqi Kurdistan! My director, Kristin, and BVSer Stephanie met us at the bus station and we took our stuff to Stephanie's apartment before going out to get some groceries to make our Thanksgiving dinner. The dinner turned out great! We had mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, stuffing, corn, beans, chicken, pumpkin pie, and ice cream! It was all so delicious! Saturday morning we got to explore Mostar a bit.
          I found Mostar really interesting. It is a more Mediterranean climate (although it was cold when I was there) so there are palm trees and pomegranate trees. The city was once a part of the Ottoman empire and Turkish influences are still everywhere. I was so surprised to feel like I was back in Istanbul looking at the different souvenirs. Mosques are prevalent all over the city and you can drink Turkish coffee and eat baklava! I loved feeling like I was back in Turkey/Iraq! The other interesting par of Mostar is that you can see remnants of the war everywhere. There are many bombed out buildings still standing around the city. Saturday afternoon we went to a nearby town to see the mouth of the river and an old Dervish building. We drank Turkish tea (just like I became accustomed to) and ate Turkish delight and rice pudding. It was so nice to escape the cold and have time to relax. Later in the day, I was able to read for a long time before going to to eat at a great local restaurant. It was really nice being with the other BVSers, hearing about their projects, and learning more about my neighboring country.
          Sunday morning I took a two and a half hour bus ride from Mostar to Sarajevo. The ride was goregous, as we travelled along a river. As we got higher in elevation, there was snow everywhere. And although I am not a fan of snow, it looked beautiful. Seriously, the villages looked like mini winter wonderlands! My friend Miriam, then met me at the bus station.Miriam and I knew each other when I was very little in Kansas. Our parents were in the same church small group, but Miriam is five years older than me so even then we did not know each other well and I moved away when I was six. Miriam is doing SALT (a volunteer program with Mennonite Central Committee) in Sarajevo this year and when she heard I would also be in the Balkans (the Mennonite world is very connected), she got in contact with me in Phoenix this summer and we decided to meet up. And it was great! Although we really did not know each other, we connected right away and I felt right at home staying with her. I actually felt more at home with her than I have felt since coming with her. There is something about being with another Mennonite and Kansan that makes me feel completely comfortable and at home.
          My three days in Sarajevo were spent walking around, making and eating food in Miriam's apartment, drinking hot chocolate (white hot chocolate!) at a local cafe, salsa dancing, meeting the other MCCers, buying food at local markets, talking, touring her work, and much more. Although I did not fall madly in love with Sarajevo like I was expecting to, I did enjoy it. It was a lot more what I was expecting Croatia to be... it does not feel like a Western place. But it is bustling and busy, which I loved. However, it is also really dirty and smoggy. I did not really enjoy my hair smelling like smog after an afternoon walk. One of the other things that I did was learn from Miriam how to make zwieback. Now zwieback is a Russian Mennonite bread recipe that I grew up with. However, my mom never learned how to make them and thus I have also never known. But Miriam not only knew, she had worked at a bakery in Kansas for two years making them, so I was learning from the best. It was great to not only get to know a new place, but connect back with my own roots. I hope to make zwieback myself once I get my own apartment when I move to Zagreb.
          The week was truly spectacular, but now I am back to work in the library. But it is less than three weeks until Christmas which brings with it more traveling and a new adventure!